Early School Years, What Were They Thinking?

I am old enough that when I was growing up, Kindergarten didn't seem to be mandatory; at least I didn't go so I assume it wasn't required.  In fact, I didn't actually attend public school until third grade.  My parents had made the decision to home school me, so my first two years of school were in the family kitchen.  I remember the dark brown shiny table, and the red plastic chairs with the black paisley-like pattern.  I didn't know any different, public schools weren't part of my world.  Of course I saw school buses and the other kids riding them, and I would see the schools in town as we drove by and kids playing on the playground.  I wanted that.  I wanted to ride the yellow bus to school, I wanted to play with other kids.  I didn't understand why they got to go to school together, but I had to stay home.

First grade me

That Time I Was Invited to Join Swim Team...

I was reflecting on some things that had happened over a weekend and found myself remembering the time I was invited to join the local swim team.  Sounds weird but trust me, they are related.

For those of you who know me, you know I am horrible at making decisions.  For those of you who don't know me, trust me.  I know it's not an uncommon issue among human kind, but I'm REALLY bad about it.  I shut down and am even more frustrating to talk to than normal.  I was trying to figure out if I've always been that way, or if there was an event in my life that made me this way.  Short answer, I think I've always been this way.  As I grew up things I was told by the people around me became things I 'learned' and helped contribute to the indecisive, anxious, insecure person I am today.  Enter swim team memory.

Sisters!

I can't believe it's already 2014.  This year has already been crazy busy.  David has been busy out in his workshop getting that reorganized after the great disaster.  Work has been keeping us both busy but that's just yuck talk so I'm going to focus on happier things.  Like last weekend, when I got to go to the beach with my sisters!  

Me and Melanie!

Me and Sara! 

(I'm not so great at taking these selfie things)

We didn't actually get one of the three of us, guess we are going to have to go back and try again!  It was a really lovely weekend away, just the three of us.  I can't remember the last time the three of us got to hang out like this, it was really wonderful!  Over the years the distance and life kind of took it's toll on our relationships.  Thankfully, I have two wonderful sisters who have been willing to reconnect, and work on rebuilding our relationships.  David has been really wonderful and supportive of this, and sweetly put us up at the coast last weekend for some quality sister bonding time.  

We fixed a puzzle (that was seriously evil), we watched Anne of Green Gables and all the sequels, (and we decided that the only one worth watching is the first one, Anne of Green Gables, although the sequel was okay.  It was really the third part that was just unnecessary) and cooked dinner together.  It was all very laid back and mellow and there was lots of giggling and even some swearing (mostly at the evil puzzle).  Hopefully it won't be 4+ years before the three of us can hang out again!

Snow at the Beach

Last week was crazy.  Some things came up, and we had to reschedule/move some things around and the end result was getting a beach weekend with my sweetie a week early!  Just when I had gotten everything rescheduled, and things were good to go it starts to snow.  Seriously.  But all was not lost.  My sweet husband comes from a world where snow isn't as big a deal, and he has a jeep.  We proceeded as planned.  Really, the roads weren't bad.  There were trucks putting down gravel, and we saw at least 8 snowplows go by.  The only problem we had were the people who probably shouldn't have been on the road.  A drive that usually takes us about an hour and a half ended up taking more like two and a half hours.  By the time we got to our getaway, it was too dark to take any pictures.  The above photo was what we were greeted with in the morning.  There was still snow on the beach when we left a few days later.  It was a really lovely weekend once we got where we were going.  It was quiet, lovely, and restful.  Thanks sweetheart for jeeping us away this weekend!

Anxiety

My brain, on the inside, is a complex labyrinth of insanity.  You wouldn't always know it just talking to me, you have to get through some of those protective walls before you see the crazy those walls are protecting you from.  Sometimes, as I'm lying awake at nights I'm decorating my labyrinth with owls and other knick-knacks and fretting about things I have no idea why I'm even fretting about them.  And then I started fretting about fretting about un-fret worthy things.  It wasn't until yesterday, while instant messaging with a friend, that it kind of dawned on me that I may be suffering from anxiety.  This is pretty much how it all unfolded: 

(edited for relevance, to protect the innocent, and because I am apparently the worst speller on the planet.)

(Also, I'm changing my friends name and for fun I'm going to call her Loki.  Just roll with it.)

Me:  I slept like crap last night and I am actually wondering if perhaps I have some anxiety issues...but then I think that's lame and I don't really think that's my problem, but then I wonder when I can't fall asleep because I'm anxious about things like where I'm going to park my car.  Seriously.  WTF is wrong with me?

Loki:  That actually does sound like anxiety, and there is NOTHING lame about that.

Me:  I seriously get anxious about really lame things.  Like parking my car, or driving my husband anywhere and how I'm going to get us there.  It's worse if I'm not confident about where we are going.  I'm clearly mental.

Loki:  Well, yeah.  Obviously.  But it doesn't have to be a major thing to be anxious about for it to be anxiety.  I think it's the little every day things that make it an anxiety issue.

Me:  It makes me anxious just thinking about it. My mom always called me a "worry wart."  I really hate that term.

Loki:  No, that is a shitty term.  But so is anxious I suppose.

Me:  Great.  I'm like of of those nasty little "toy" dogs (that I hate) that pee/crap on everything because they are flighty, nervous (anxious) little things.  Or high strung.  OMG I'm a fucking poodle. Worse, I'm a toy poodle that pees in the stupid dog purse I'm carried around in!

Loki:  No.  NO YOU ARE NOT.  You are more relaxed about things than you realize.  You don't stress about everything, just certain things.  If we are doing the dog comparison thing, I'd liken it to a perfectly well adjusted dog with a bit of separation anxiety.

Me:  I internalize.  A lot.  Arf.

Loki:  Okay, you might chew on shoes sometimes, but you don't cower and pee.

Me:  ROFL

Loki:  I think internalizing is part of it, hold on...

Me:  You left me, I'm alone and anxious...

Me:  Hello?

Me:  Arf?

Me:  I think I need to pee... (J/K)

Loki:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502/DSECTION=symptoms  I'm not diagnosing you, I'm giving you information.  I think if you feel it is actually interfering with your life... you should see what your options are.

Loki:  And good grief.  Do I need to start putting down newspapers when I walk away? J/K

Me:  Ha ha!  Okay, reading now...

So I go and look at the symptoms, and the causes and the medications and the risks... and thought that perhaps it is plausible that I have a bit of an anxiety problem.  Having said that, not enough that I want to go be on medications or talk to a head shrinker.  On every page it did some to indicate a high potential to become dependent on medications or alcohol.  

Me:  Great, I could become an alcoholic... I'm going to be anxious about that tonight while I'm drinking my wine.

Loki:  OMFG  Laughing so hard right now, even though it isn't really funny.

Me:  My drinking comment?

Loki:  Yes.  Sorry.

Me:  I was trying to be funny  I make inappropriate things funny because I have the same problem and feel better if I'm not the only one laughing.  It defuses the situation and makes things less awkward.  

Loki:  It's a good thing we are friends!

I have awesome chats with people like that all the time.  That's just how my friends and I roll.  But in all seriousness, anxiety isn't really a laughing matter.  It keeps some people from ever leaving their house.  For me, if I am really suffering any kind of anxiety issue, it just seems to make my tummy full of freaked out butterflies and stress about how things are going to work out.  Stress can exacerbate (that means to make things worse (may all my Shaun of the Dead fan friends giggle)) things and maybe that has been part of my issue as of late.  Things usually mellow after the holidays, so maybe that will be a better time to gauge things.  You know me, I'll probably just ignore it (and fret about it) regardless. 

Sometimes You Shouldn't Share...

I have worked at some pretty interesting places over the years, and have learned much from each experience.  One of the places I really enjoyed working for was a small non-profit called Salem Childbirth Education Association.  It was a small organization that offered childbirth preparation classes, that were supposed to feel less biased than what you would get through the hospital.  It was a good group of people, but sadly demand dwindled and the organization had to close its doors.  I learned a lot about what to expect when you are expecting, and how to talk to pregnant women (and partners) in various stages and emotional ranges of pregnancy.  I also leaned what not to say.

I recently overheard a conversation today that has me wondering if there is going to be contact from an angry husband.  A man was talking to a woman that just recently (not even a week ago) had her first child.  The conversation started out innocent enough, talking about gender and baby's name.  Then it went into sleeping (and lack there of) and how she was feeling.  Then, this man tells her that he hopes she doesn't have any lingering changes like his spouse did.  Danger. Danger.  Then he goes on to say how after the first child she was unable to consume milk, she had developed a milk allergy.  The woman got quiet and sounded concerned while asking if she could drink any milk at all.  No, he tells her.  And then he tells her how after the second child she developed new food allergies, along with the milk allergy.  She timidly says she hasn't noticed any changes like that yet.  He then goes on to tell her other things like sleep issues and on and on.  This poor woman with the new baby was dead quiet.  She is either freaking out inside, because that is what new mothers do.  Their bodies are different now, for better or for worse, and it's terrifying for some women to experience these changes.  It's best not to scare the new mother, any more than she already is, I would have thought that would be common sense.

**the situation above is modified and generalized to protect the parties.  You get the idea.

Mortality

Yesterday I learned someone I went to High School with passed away.  He wasn't a close friend, or even someone I spent a lot of time with.  He was someone I would stop and talk to in the hall.  Later in life when I would be home from college and ran into him where he worked he always made time to ask me how I was doing and how life was treating me.  I never heard an unkind word from him, and I never heard an unkind word spoken about him.  Jed Haft was just a really nice guy.  He leaves behind a wife and three pretty adorable daughters.  I don't know his family; I honestly can't remember the last time I saw Jed.  Once I officially moved out of my parents house I spent as little time in our home town as possible.  My heart goes out to his family, and those people that his life touched-and from judging by his Facebook page that was a lot of people.  

When someone you know dies it makes you think all kinds of crazy things.  It makes you look at your own mortality, and the mortality of those you love.  It can make you think about the type of person you are, and wonder will people speak kindly about you when you are gone?  

What hit me when I heard the news, besides the sadness of the world losing the type of person it is running sort of, it just how quickly my world could be taken from me.  Jed and his wife had plans, and things to look forward to.  There are three little girls who now have to grow up without their dad, and do all those things girls need a dad for without theirs.  His wife has lost her rock, her partner through raising their children.  Just imagining not having David makes my heart hurt in ways that I don't believe the English language has found words to describe yet.  

Jed's passing is a painful reminder we have no idea how much time we really have.  If you will excuse me, I have to end this so I can get home to snuggle with my David.