Wow...

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted to this blog. I'm not sure why that is, I mean, I have lame excuses. I think ultimately laziness is the reason but that seems really lame.

A lot has happened, obviously. We've been in the "new" home for almost 5 years now. I've changed jobs a few times, we've changed cars, we've gone on a few adventures, and we still have puppy. Oh, and we find ourselves living through a pandemic. I know I haven't blogged recently because it's hard to put things into words, which is something I really should be working on if I think I want to write. I know. I'm complicated.

The world we are living in now is, at a glance, depressing. That isn't to say there aren't pockets of hope and hints of the core of things not being "damaged" but they can be hard to see especially if you have a hard time getting through the isolation feelings. We've rather rapidly moved from being a social society to one where we are no longer allowed to collect in large (or even small) groups. No more sitting in Starbucks with a friend catching up over coffee, or going to dinner with friends (or anyone right now). No more movies out, or gym trips (not that I went to the gym). We are working to flatten the curve, and for the most part have made some progress. But the thing is, we may get to a point where we are allowed to be out again, but this virus isn't done. It's not going to just go away. It's going to come back, like the flu. So these changes, staying 6 feet away from people, and no large groups is probably going to become our new normal. This may even be after there is a vaccine. Dining out is going to look different. Gyms and movie theaters are going to have to make changes. I see the drive thru being a very popular thing. Maybe the drive thru movie theatre will make a victorious come back! That wouldn't be so bad.

For me, change is hard. And I'm a hugger. I'm glad I don't have to isolate myself from David. Thank goodness we are both healthy, and we were not separated when shit hit the fan (sorry). We both have the good fortune of being able to work from home. I'm have a bit of a struggle with it as I'm used to being social and in an office with people. But I'm doing it. David is a good example, and an even better partner. If I didn't have him I don't know what frame of mind I'd find myself in at this point. I have a hard time visualizing what things are going to be like as our new normal unfolds. What is going to happen to places like Disneyland or Disneyworld? What about Las Vegas? Not a favorite place, but it's such a crowd inducing place what is social distancing and not being able to be in large groups going to look like for gambling and seeing shows?

I don't know what the future is going to look like. Right now the world is face masks, limited entry, take out only, working from home (if you are lucky enough to do so), and no contact/social distancing. I hope we come through this okay.

The Time Math and I Were Friends, Not Foes

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about math...

*

I'm sure there is a story behind my math issues, but that is not this story.  This is a story about how for one brief period and time math and I were okay.

February Snow 2014

2014 has brought with it some really freaking strange weather.  We had snow in the middle of the week, it came down most of the day but it didn't stick.  Then Thursday more came down, but this time it started to stick.  I left work early, and it was a good thing because there were some cars sliding around and even I lost traction a few times which of course had me freaked out and shaking like crazy by the time I pulled in to the garage.  The snow continued Friday, I got a snow day so I didn't have to go out there.  And now here it is Saturday and it is still snowing.  In fact it started snowing harder after I took these pics.  David is out at the store right now getting some essentials (you know, bread, milk, beer).  I will be much happier when he's back home with me watching the olympics.  Here are some snow pics!  Maybe more to come later.  

Fat Robin-our local angry bird

Anxiety

My brain, on the inside, is a complex labyrinth of insanity.  You wouldn't always know it just talking to me, you have to get through some of those protective walls before you see the crazy those walls are protecting you from.  Sometimes, as I'm lying awake at nights I'm decorating my labyrinth with owls and other knick-knacks and fretting about things I have no idea why I'm even fretting about them.  And then I started fretting about fretting about un-fret worthy things.  It wasn't until yesterday, while instant messaging with a friend, that it kind of dawned on me that I may be suffering from anxiety.  This is pretty much how it all unfolded: 

(edited for relevance, to protect the innocent, and because I am apparently the worst speller on the planet.)

(Also, I'm changing my friends name and for fun I'm going to call her Loki.  Just roll with it.)

Me:  I slept like crap last night and I am actually wondering if perhaps I have some anxiety issues...but then I think that's lame and I don't really think that's my problem, but then I wonder when I can't fall asleep because I'm anxious about things like where I'm going to park my car.  Seriously.  WTF is wrong with me?

Loki:  That actually does sound like anxiety, and there is NOTHING lame about that.

Me:  I seriously get anxious about really lame things.  Like parking my car, or driving my husband anywhere and how I'm going to get us there.  It's worse if I'm not confident about where we are going.  I'm clearly mental.

Loki:  Well, yeah.  Obviously.  But it doesn't have to be a major thing to be anxious about for it to be anxiety.  I think it's the little every day things that make it an anxiety issue.

Me:  It makes me anxious just thinking about it. My mom always called me a "worry wart."  I really hate that term.

Loki:  No, that is a shitty term.  But so is anxious I suppose.

Me:  Great.  I'm like of of those nasty little "toy" dogs (that I hate) that pee/crap on everything because they are flighty, nervous (anxious) little things.  Or high strung.  OMG I'm a fucking poodle. Worse, I'm a toy poodle that pees in the stupid dog purse I'm carried around in!

Loki:  No.  NO YOU ARE NOT.  You are more relaxed about things than you realize.  You don't stress about everything, just certain things.  If we are doing the dog comparison thing, I'd liken it to a perfectly well adjusted dog with a bit of separation anxiety.

Me:  I internalize.  A lot.  Arf.

Loki:  Okay, you might chew on shoes sometimes, but you don't cower and pee.

Me:  ROFL

Loki:  I think internalizing is part of it, hold on...

Me:  You left me, I'm alone and anxious...

Me:  Hello?

Me:  Arf?

Me:  I think I need to pee... (J/K)

Loki:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502/DSECTION=symptoms  I'm not diagnosing you, I'm giving you information.  I think if you feel it is actually interfering with your life... you should see what your options are.

Loki:  And good grief.  Do I need to start putting down newspapers when I walk away? J/K

Me:  Ha ha!  Okay, reading now...

So I go and look at the symptoms, and the causes and the medications and the risks... and thought that perhaps it is plausible that I have a bit of an anxiety problem.  Having said that, not enough that I want to go be on medications or talk to a head shrinker.  On every page it did some to indicate a high potential to become dependent on medications or alcohol.  

Me:  Great, I could become an alcoholic... I'm going to be anxious about that tonight while I'm drinking my wine.

Loki:  OMFG  Laughing so hard right now, even though it isn't really funny.

Me:  My drinking comment?

Loki:  Yes.  Sorry.

Me:  I was trying to be funny  I make inappropriate things funny because I have the same problem and feel better if I'm not the only one laughing.  It defuses the situation and makes things less awkward.  

Loki:  It's a good thing we are friends!

I have awesome chats with people like that all the time.  That's just how my friends and I roll.  But in all seriousness, anxiety isn't really a laughing matter.  It keeps some people from ever leaving their house.  For me, if I am really suffering any kind of anxiety issue, it just seems to make my tummy full of freaked out butterflies and stress about how things are going to work out.  Stress can exacerbate (that means to make things worse (may all my Shaun of the Dead fan friends giggle)) things and maybe that has been part of my issue as of late.  Things usually mellow after the holidays, so maybe that will be a better time to gauge things.  You know me, I'll probably just ignore it (and fret about it) regardless. 

I Got Sucked In...

That will be funny to you in a minute.

My super awesome husband signed us up for HBO many months ago so we could get in on the Game of Thrones goodness.  We had all of season one to enjoy, and we did.  Twice!  The bonus to signing up for HBO was HBO2go.  This meant much of the goodness that is HBO could be enjoyed on our iPad, laptops, etc.  Suddenly I found I had access to all these movies and series.  Still with me?  I'm working my way to my point.

So... ?

Sew buttons on your underwear, as my Grandma Hermann used to say. In other words, I don't really have all that much to say, but my far better half was chiding me for not posting, so...

I have really been enjoying my time off. This is only the second time I've had this much time off, and it's the first time I haven't felt guilty about it. I really haven't had a single lingering thought about work, and I don't imagine I will until Sunday night. I haven't even had a single urge to log in and read email. Doing so would mean having to boot my hateful Winblows machine; and why would I do that when I have this pretty silver MacBook to play with?

So what have I accomplished? Well, I visited Emily's Nebraska kin and had a great time (modulo the tornado scare, but you can read more about that below); I played some WoW--nothing significant, just some fooling about; with Emily's help, I hung one of the four cabinets I purchased for my violin-making workshop; and I did a whole lot of nothing--blessed, sweet, nothing. :) I am a man at peace.

Tomorrow might be a bit more productive. I need to get my truck detailed (yes, I'm lazy, get over it), and I need to finish hanging the remaining three cabinets. I'm sure I'll squeeze a nap (or two) into that hectic schedule. :)

Peace.

~David