Yup. My Monkeys, My Circus!

I've been meaning to blog an update about all the crazy things going on but every time I start something else comes up, or the last thing I want to do is sit at a computer and type.  This means I'm really behind on book reviews and general sharing of things with those of you who take the time to come here and check.  It will get better, or I will go insane.

As some of you may already know I started a new job last week.  For those of you who didn't know, after working at my previous job for 6 years I decided (with love and support from David) that it was time for a change.  We decided it was time for a whole boatload of changes actually.  We talked about it for a while; I was having a  hard time imagining things different.  I don't deal the best with big changes.  But after realizing I was unhappy and bored at my current employment and seeing how it was affecting me (and David) I realized it was time to listen to him and be willing to make some changes.  I spent some time getting things organized, and wrote a guide for my prior job.  Then, with some amazing help, I created a resume and cover letter and began the process of applying for a new job.  A few days after sending out a handful of applications I got a call that resulted in an interview a few days later, which resulted in a job offer a few hours later, which I accepted the following morning after discussing it with David.  Accepting this job meant some really big changes.  I put in my notice, and two weeks later I started my new job.

The new job also meant relocating.  While I was making a job change, it seemed like a location change was a good idea as well.  We've been wanting to move out of the town we were in and get closer to family and friends, better shopping, and more activities.  So after I gave notice, we started the incredibly stressful process of house hunting.  Let me tell you, the job interview was easy compared to house hunting.  We would find a place we wanted to see, and even before we would have a chance it would be off the market-sometimes only hours after being listed.  Hopefully we'll be so lucky when it comes to selling our current home.  After lots of frustration about missing out on what looked like some really cute places, and seeing some not so great places, we found a place in an area we wanted to be in.  David did a guest post about this here.  It's really perfect for us-and I'm still afraid to call it ours until we have closed and we have keys in hand.  The process of buying a home has to be one of the seven levels of hell-shared with buying a car and selling a house.

So, here we are.  We are in the process of buying the new place, which David has been taking care of and I couldn't be more thankful because it has been crazy.  I'm commuting back and forth to my new job- I'm not complaining, I'm lucky to have found a job so quick and it's easy to get to and from (from current home and future home) so it's not a big deal for a longer drive short term.  Gives me time to sing, unwind, and think about all the fun places we will be able to go after we have moved.  It's still going to be a crazy couple of months (hopefully we will be able to sell the soon to be former home quickly), but I know we are making the right choice for us.  As long as we stick together and support each other (one of the things we are best at) we are going to come though this just fine.

Pablo

Prompt:  In 500 words tell the story of spider and his death. 

Pablo was having really bad luck catching food.  No matter how he built his web, nothing was coming his way.  His instinct told him it was time to move on or starve.  He gently descended downward on a single strand of silk from his spinnerets, cautiously feeling his way with his delicate, hairy legs.  He touched down and with a last look; he severed himself from his home.

He could feel a very slight breeze on his bristles and thought if he followed that he might have luck finding food.  Pablo scurried forward, stopping to feel for vibrations and to make sure he was not straying from the breeze.  When Pablo came up to an edge he carefully felt around to see if he should go over the edge or follow it.  His instinct told him to go down and follow the breeze, so down he crawled.  The space became tight, but he could feel he way through and found himself in a bright area with a nice breeze.  His spider senses were tingling, he hoped this meant he would find a meal soon.  First he had to make a new web.

When Pablo found the perfect spot he set his first anchor and begun the process of building his web.  He took his and used lots of lines, he hoped to catch several meals.  There had been remnants of another web there; he briefly wondered where the other spider was as he was weaving his web.  When he was finished he crawled up to his hub to conserve energy and wait.  He acquainted himself with the feel of the breeze and the tremors of his new web while he waited.

When the vibrations increased he knew there was something in his web.  He cautiously descended from his hub; if he wasn't careful his prey might attack him or knock him from his web.  He approached the place the vibrations were coming from; they were not as strong or urgent as they had been.  Good.  His prey was tiring.  That would make his work easier.  He began wrapping his prey carefully in silk.  Once Pablo was sure his meal was secure and he was safe from harm, he slid his fangs in and injected his meal with a paralytic and digestive fluids.  As he was enjoying his meal he felt new vibrations in his web; his next meal!

Now that he had fed he was less anxious.  He took the time to groom himself while he waited for his prey to tire.  He cleaned his fangs and eyes, and was generally feeling good about his move.  When the vibrations lessened he slowly crept over to investigate.  His prey was good and tired and securely stuck in his web, so he began to systematical wrap his next meal.

Out of nowhere the breeze suddenly picked up, and the light faded.  Pablo was torn between his next meal and getting to safety.  As he was crawling back to his hub he was plucked from his web.  He felt some of his legs break away as he was swallowed by a bird.

Goodbye Pablo.

Thank you for the prompt Lady Loki! 

The Time Math and I Were Friends, Not Foes

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about math...

*

I'm sure there is a story behind my math issues, but that is not this story.  This is a story about how for one brief period and time math and I were okay.

Magic Carpet Ride

Growing up my parents owned and operated an herb store.  It was right off the main road through town, and the house I grew up in was on the same property.  It was a part of my world growing up because it was just right there in our front yard.  I saw the store as a place of wonder and adventure, so many different smells and things to look at.  There were shelves upon shelves of jars of herbs.  But there was also so much more. My dad like to mix and grind his own coffee.  At first I hated the sound of the coffee grinder, it was loud and it rattled something fierce, but I came to love the smell of the freshly ground coffee. My parents also sold tea, soaps, shampoos, books, magazines, candy, tobacco and tobacco paraphernalia.  I liked to hang out in the shop with mom, and smell all the things.

Anxiety

My brain, on the inside, is a complex labyrinth of insanity.  You wouldn't always know it just talking to me, you have to get through some of those protective walls before you see the crazy those walls are protecting you from.  Sometimes, as I'm lying awake at nights I'm decorating my labyrinth with owls and other knick-knacks and fretting about things I have no idea why I'm even fretting about them.  And then I started fretting about fretting about un-fret worthy things.  It wasn't until yesterday, while instant messaging with a friend, that it kind of dawned on me that I may be suffering from anxiety.  This is pretty much how it all unfolded: 

(edited for relevance, to protect the innocent, and because I am apparently the worst speller on the planet.)

(Also, I'm changing my friends name and for fun I'm going to call her Loki.  Just roll with it.)

Me:  I slept like crap last night and I am actually wondering if perhaps I have some anxiety issues...but then I think that's lame and I don't really think that's my problem, but then I wonder when I can't fall asleep because I'm anxious about things like where I'm going to park my car.  Seriously.  WTF is wrong with me?

Loki:  That actually does sound like anxiety, and there is NOTHING lame about that.

Me:  I seriously get anxious about really lame things.  Like parking my car, or driving my husband anywhere and how I'm going to get us there.  It's worse if I'm not confident about where we are going.  I'm clearly mental.

Loki:  Well, yeah.  Obviously.  But it doesn't have to be a major thing to be anxious about for it to be anxiety.  I think it's the little every day things that make it an anxiety issue.

Me:  It makes me anxious just thinking about it. My mom always called me a "worry wart."  I really hate that term.

Loki:  No, that is a shitty term.  But so is anxious I suppose.

Me:  Great.  I'm like of of those nasty little "toy" dogs (that I hate) that pee/crap on everything because they are flighty, nervous (anxious) little things.  Or high strung.  OMG I'm a fucking poodle. Worse, I'm a toy poodle that pees in the stupid dog purse I'm carried around in!

Loki:  No.  NO YOU ARE NOT.  You are more relaxed about things than you realize.  You don't stress about everything, just certain things.  If we are doing the dog comparison thing, I'd liken it to a perfectly well adjusted dog with a bit of separation anxiety.

Me:  I internalize.  A lot.  Arf.

Loki:  Okay, you might chew on shoes sometimes, but you don't cower and pee.

Me:  ROFL

Loki:  I think internalizing is part of it, hold on...

Me:  You left me, I'm alone and anxious...

Me:  Hello?

Me:  Arf?

Me:  I think I need to pee... (J/K)

Loki:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502/DSECTION=symptoms  I'm not diagnosing you, I'm giving you information.  I think if you feel it is actually interfering with your life... you should see what your options are.

Loki:  And good grief.  Do I need to start putting down newspapers when I walk away? J/K

Me:  Ha ha!  Okay, reading now...

So I go and look at the symptoms, and the causes and the medications and the risks... and thought that perhaps it is plausible that I have a bit of an anxiety problem.  Having said that, not enough that I want to go be on medications or talk to a head shrinker.  On every page it did some to indicate a high potential to become dependent on medications or alcohol.  

Me:  Great, I could become an alcoholic... I'm going to be anxious about that tonight while I'm drinking my wine.

Loki:  OMFG  Laughing so hard right now, even though it isn't really funny.

Me:  My drinking comment?

Loki:  Yes.  Sorry.

Me:  I was trying to be funny  I make inappropriate things funny because I have the same problem and feel better if I'm not the only one laughing.  It defuses the situation and makes things less awkward.  

Loki:  It's a good thing we are friends!

I have awesome chats with people like that all the time.  That's just how my friends and I roll.  But in all seriousness, anxiety isn't really a laughing matter.  It keeps some people from ever leaving their house.  For me, if I am really suffering any kind of anxiety issue, it just seems to make my tummy full of freaked out butterflies and stress about how things are going to work out.  Stress can exacerbate (that means to make things worse (may all my Shaun of the Dead fan friends giggle)) things and maybe that has been part of my issue as of late.  Things usually mellow after the holidays, so maybe that will be a better time to gauge things.  You know me, I'll probably just ignore it (and fret about it) regardless. 

Something I Learned on a Morning Walk

I meant to post this last month, when it actually happened but you know how life goes.  Also, I pretty much just forgot about it until this morning.  

So last month I learned something I felt important to share with my two readers.  

Don't.

Look.

In.

Other.

Peoples.

Truck-beds.

Seriously, do not do it. 

We were walking our normal morning route and I just happened to glance into someone's uncovered truck bed.  There was a carcass there.  There may have even been more than one.  I don't know. I couldn't process what I had seen.  I didn't stop, I didn't do a double take, but there is no doubt there was a carcass back there.  David and I guessed deer, and maybe a rabbit or some other smaller animal.  They were both skinned.  Once seen, it cannot be unseen.  Lesson learned.  If you don't want to potentially see some really weird shit, do not look in peoples uncovered truck beds.   

It's Been a Year Since This Happened....

My nose piercing!

I get excited about really silly things, I'm easily amused.  I can't believe a whole year has gone by since this event occurred!  I still love it.  Thank you to my husband who puts up with my weird needs, and thank you to the Crimson Cohort for accompanying me on the adventure last year.  

Oh How I Love My Hemi

So yesterday I was kind of grumpy.  It had been a busy day, which was fine, and I got out a little later than I meant to.  I had an errand to do on my way home so I was a little irked about being behind my own personal schedule.  Then, as I'm driving through town to my one stop, I seem destined to stop at every stop light.  

Every.

Stop light.

And, on top of it I was stuck behind a bus.  And everyone behind me was zooming around to get past the bus so there was no way I felt I could safely switch lanes.  I guess the one thing I can be thankful for is that my ass and/or genitals were not on fire like all the people whizzing past me.  

Despite the stop lights, and the bus, I make it to my destination.  I was in a bit of a mood, but my errand didn't go as slowly as it could have; they had everything I needed and I didn't have to wait in line as long as I am accustom to.  I found myself back in my car in no time.

I pull out on the main road and find myself stuck behind yet another incompetent driver.  I can tell almost as soon as I pull out that I'm going to be mad.  She was driving 10 under the speed limit. 

UGH!

People are already starting to zip past me.  I was done.  I saw a chance to move just as the car behind me did and I cut them off before they could get by me.  My revenge does not stop here.  Not only did I block that car from passing me.  I stopped that car from passing the slow car I was trying to get away from.  And it gets better.  Not only did I stop that one car, I stopped all the cars behind it.  I made sure I did not pass the slow woman, I was either along side her or just slightly ahead.  But this time, she's going almost half the speed limit.  

People other than me were pissed.  I was actually starting to feel pretty okay.

Then in my final act of giving all those people behind me a good "f--k you," at the the place in the road where it merges from two lanes down to one I waited until the last (douchey-est) moment possible, to use that beautiful Hemi engine my amazing husband made sure I had, to zipped around the slow lady in just a way that no one else could get around her.  I drove the rest of the way home (really only 2-3 minutes) the speed limit and with a huge evil grin on my face.

~Emily

Tuber

There are precious moments in my day where I fall in love with my husband all over again--not to say that I'm not crazy about him all day every day--but every day there is a moment where something happens, or is said or even done where I just can't believe this amazing guy wants to put up with me (all of me).  Here is one of those moments:

We were listening to the radio while driving home from food shopping when a Viagra commercial started playing. The topic was "Are you sick and tired of paying to much for your Viagra?".

Me: I am sick of paying too much for my Viagra.

David: Looks over at me and then back (he was driving). Then he says out of the blue "Lady boner".

Me:  Boner is a funny word.

David:  It is.  Boner.  Boner.  Boner boner boner. Boner.

Me:  It just sounds strange.

David:  And it's wrong, there's no bone down there.  It's misleading.

Me:  Yeah, they should have called it something else.

David:  It's more of a meat tube; a tube of meat; no bone. Frank and beans is far more accurate. Why don't they call it a frankie?

Me:  (there was some giggling about meat tube and frankie)  They should have called it a tuber!

David:  (there was more giggling about tuber) Yes!

And then David started saying tuber like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

David: Tooobah. Tooobah. I went to doctor for Viagra and now I have a permanent toobaah.

I think we took yet another normal innocent word and made it dirty (funny).  No one makes me laugh like David does.  I'm a lucky lady!

~Emily (and David (accuracy is key when talking about toobahs!))

Chick Crack

This occurred last week actually, I'm just not getting to it.  I really wish I had a picture I could share, but you my dear reader(s) can be happy I don't because crack kills and it's a good thing I'm not into girls because I might have had a car accident due to crack-distraction.  Also, it might have been considered pornography and that has no place on my blog.

This woman was prepared-
no crack showing here!

So I was driving home, just my usual 10-20 minute drive (depending on traffic and stop lights) when not even 3 minutes into my drive a chick on a motorcycle pulls out in front of me.  Normally this wouldn't illicit any kind of comment from me except as we were driving down the road and she was adjusting things on her bike (mirrors, position on the seat etc.) her pants disappeared.  The belt tried with all it's might to hold those jeans in place, but the jeans rode too low on the waste and the belt didn't have a fighting chance.  I'm also convinced there was no underwear because seriously, there was ass hanging out.

So this all makes me wonder... could she not feel her ass hanging out?  How in the heck was any of that comfortable?  She was wiggling around a lot, did she not think about her attire before she hopped on that bike and went out for the day?  How much was that motorcycle vibrating...

People never cease to amuse me.

Squirrels vs. Crows

As I am sitting at my desk watching the clock slowly wind its way to 4:30-I mean working really hard I will glance out the window and catch the battle of the ages taking place.  Yes.  Squirrels vs. Crows.  

Across the street from the office I work in is a grassy plot of land with room to roam and a few trees to lurk in.  It’s like a mini-park.  Really, it’s just a piece of land that has not been built on yet.  I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.  But for now, it’s ground zero.

On a cool clear day like today the squirrels are out in full force.  I honestly don’t know how many of them dwell in the land across the street.  I have seen at least 8 at a time running around twirling their tails and doing squirrel things.  Today there are three, one watching and two covering the land.  And when I say covering the land I mean hopping about through leaves (I bet they going “boing boing boing” in their heads as they hop about) and chasing each other up and down trees to hop through more leaves.  All in all, very cute.

Then the crows descend.

That’s when the squirrels turn from chasing one another to full on assault on the crows.  Any spot the crows land, the squirrels charge at.  I have never seen a squirrel move so fast, and I have never seen a crow get chased of by something so small!  After about 3 minutes the crows give up and head for the skies again and the squirrels resume chasing one another.

I love mother nature’s drama!

Today's Thought

Is it still called "walking the dog" if you are carrying the dog?

As I'm driving into work today I see an elderly couple walking down the street.  The elderly woman is holding the elderly man's arm.  In his other arm is a sturdy little weiner dog.  The little dog is adorable, sometimes he has a little plaid jacket on.  He always has a harness and a leash on.  The elderly man is always carrying him.  So there are a few thoughts I have about this.

1.  The elderly man has stolen the elderly woman's little dog and is trying to carry it away.  She is trying to stop him.

2.  The dog is actually the oldest of the group and in order for it to do anything but lay in one spot it must be carried.

3.  The dog is really a hand bag.

In all seriousness I think it's pretty sweet.  I hope that someday when I'm elderly I am able to walk with David while he carries puppy (becuase she needs to live a really really long time too).

~Emily

Failblog

This website cracks me up.  The content is not always the most appropriate, but most of the time I'm laughing to hard to care.  This little ditty:
see more pwn and owned pictures

made me laugh so hard I snorted. There is nothing right about this picture, it is disturbing on so many levels. David stopped what he was watching and listening to on his laptop just to see what had caused my outburst. In between his own laughter he agreed it was wrong for so many reasons. I just had to share. If you want to see more (not all of it is this, disturbing ) the link is: Failblog.

~Emily

Wii Fit

So what is the deal with Wii Fit?  You might have to explain it to me like I'm 5 years old.  I assumed it was something someone could buy to work out at home or maybe help maintain your current weight and have fun while doing it.  I know a little about Wii Fit, my sister has it and sweetly gave us a demonstration.  I know you get called fat, and chastised for not being on frequently, but after a conversation (one sided I have to warn you) I over heard today I am confused.

I was standing in line at Rite Aid to pick up a prescription.  All the elderly in Keizer were out and about so I had a long wait.  While I was standing there, waiting, one of the pharmacists started talking to one of her friends on the phone and I heard her side of the conversation.  They were talking about Wii Fit.  Here is my recollection of the conversation, I'm going to kindly fill in what I imagine the friend was saying:

Friend:   Wuz up my homey!

Pharmacist:   Working, recovering from my weekend.

Friend:   I hear that!  We were together, remember?  Hey, I'm still hung over and puking and yucky, could you cover my shift tomorrow morning?

Pharmacist: The weekend was great!  I can't cover for you tomorrow because I have my spin class.

Friend: Spin class?  Why are you wasting money on that?  Don't you have Wii Fit?

Pharmacist: I do, but I need to loose weight before I use it.

Friend: Huh?

Pharmacist: She tells me I'm fat, and scolds me for not logging in regularly, ha ha.

Friend: Isn't that what it is supposed to do?

Pharmacist: Well, my daughter actually got it for the skiing.  But the work out part looks good, I just need to lose some weight before I use it.

Friend: (probably called her a dork or something)

Pharmacist: (laughing)  I know, I know.

And then they go on to a new subject.  But I'm standing there probably thinking the same thing the friend was.  She is going to spin class to lose weight to be able to work out with her Wii Fit.  I really don't understand.  I mean, I'm not saying I want the game to call me fat, but it is good motivation to lose weight to make it stop, right?

Anyway, I just had to share.  People never cease to surprise me.

~Emily

Ha ha!

Someone at the office forwarded this to me, and I just had to share!
--------------------------------------
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that

Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon

Makes you proud to be an American.

Wine

Wine makes a crazy day way more... fuzzy.  Whem things are fuzzy, things just don't matter.  The person who invented wine was very very smart.  It has been a long month, and I anticipate more of the same for October, except I get to have a weekend getaway date with my sweetie that I am looking forward to very much.

So, speaking of sweetie... when I'm texting with my iPhone it's like I'm typing with a Johnsonville Braut or something, and I typed sweetit instead of sweetie.  I find that really amusing right now.  I also find this really amusing:  ha ha! (be sure to have your sound on)  When I figure out a way to make that my ring tone, well, I'm sooo gonna do it!  

Alright, that is all for now.  

~Emily

And Emily Complains About MY Mouth Music...

I've got nothing on this guy. It's all pretty normal (that is so say: normal for decidedly not-so-normal avant-garde jazz) until about 3:50 in, when it goes from being normal, to downright interesting and, I will admit, a bit scary.



Is that crazy or what?

I must practice more. >:)

Peace.

~David

How I Know I Will Never Be A Vegetarian

Today I reflecting on me, who I am, and what makes me, well, me.  I remembered a paper I had to write back in grade school (3rd or 4th grade).  The assignment was to essentially write a little biography.  I mentioned my parents, probably my sisters, and maybe the cat.  The only other thing I said was, "I like meat."

That is still true today.  My favorite meal (some of which I had tonight thanks to my David) is steak, some kind of potato and artichokes.  This, of course, should be washed down with a nice dark beer.  I could not imagine not eating meat, or meat products (yes even the occasional hot dog-if you consider that a meat product).

There is certainly more to me than my love of meat.  It was just funny to remember that of all the things I could have said I liked (the color green, cats, my little ponies) I picked meat.  I guess I was a strange little fishie right from the start.

~Emily

Silence! I'll kill you!

I'm sure I was probably that last person on this good Earth to see this, but never mind that. I have to post about my new favorite character: Achmed the Dead Terrorist. For those of you out there who might actually live more sheltered lives than my own, Achmed (the Dead Terrorist) is a puppet controlled by ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. You will find a great sketch on YouTube here. This is damned funny stuff. His other characters are a hoot as well.

My favorite parts are right in the beginning, where Achmed shouts at the audience: "Silence! I'll kill you;" rising in pitch each time. I was in tears the first time I saw it. I also liked the part where Achmed was asking if the audience were his promised virgins [for having blown himself up as a suicide bomber] and that he hoped not because there were a lot of ugly-ass guys out there. Jeff asks: "Well did they say they'd only be female virgins?" Achmed replies "Holy crap!"

Reminds me of a good joke. Knock knock! (Who's there?) Me! I'll kill you!

~David