Journal Day #14

Journal Day #14 - Plans
Prompt:  Think about the plans you had for your adult self when you were younger-would you say they match up to your reality today?  What did you wish for your future when you were a child?  Did you have a plan?  And would you say you've followed that plan in any way?  This week, look at the life you hoped to have (even if you consider your childhood "dreams" silly now) and see how your current life compares.

Growing up I wanted to be like my mom.  I wanted to be married and have kids.  I wanted a house, and pets (cats).  And I was going to be a nurse, just like my mom.  Then I discovered I didn't deal well with the sight of blood (translation: I would see blood and pass out).  Being a nurse was no longer party of my vision.  Then I wanted to be a teacher (English or Music), or maybe a librarian.  I would write in my free time.  I wanted to be surrounded by books and office supplies.  I have always liked office supplies.

By the time college rolled around my vision of my future changed a lot.  With the way music programs were being cut left and right a future as a music teacher wasn't too promising.  Grades were also an obstacle for me and getting into the education program and competing with all the others in the program was just not something I could handle.  But that was okay.  I would find something, I would figure things out.  One thing I learned (as much as I hate a plan not working out, or not even having a plan to begin with) was how to roll with things.  I have always done things the hard way, or gone the long way around.  So while my plan was taking some time to reformulate I pursued a business degree with an English minor.

I graduated.  I met and married a wonderful man.  We moved into a lovely home, and adopted a fur-kid.  So I didn't become a teacher.  I did graduate with a business degree and have used that in my job as a I'm a legal assistant (I'm being sarcastic, mostly).  We don't have kids, but I'm finally at peace with that.  I have an amazing relationship with my husband, which I've gushed about before so won't go on and on about how lucky I know I am.  I feel like the important things I wished for happened.  I may not have followed my plan, but I think I learned to follow my path.  I'm happy, and I believe my life turned out better than what I thought I wanted when I was younger.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #13

Journal Day #13 - State of Me
Prompt:  This week, write a "State of Me" address.  Write about how you're really doing-what you've been thinking, what you've been up to.  What have you accomplished lately?  Where is there room for growth?  Where are you right now in life and where are you headed?  Current joys, current sadness...write it all out.  Discuss the current state of YOU.

I like to think I'm generally a good-natured, nice person.  Lately, I'm not gonna lie, I've been a bit of a grump.  I think I'm a little overwhelmed at work.  There are lots of changes and things looming on the horizon, but there are a lot of unknowns with these changes and that makes planning (something I have to do or I get really grumpy and stressed out) nearly impossible.  I've been feeling very short-tempered and short on patience.

I've also been dealing with some health frustrations that just don't seem to want to cut me a break.  We had to select a new health care provider because our wonderful doctor moved.  It took way to long to get that sorted out, and now that we have it sorted out we have our "meet our new provider" appointments set.  Meanwhile prescriptions are running out (which I know we can get refilled, it's just one more thing that has to be harder than it needs to be to get it done), and I have some concerns about one that I've been taking.  While it's (last I knew) doing the job it was intended for, I believe it may be holding back (or, stopping completely) my weight loss.  All the weight I lost previously has come back, rather quickly, and is not dropping.  I've been walking with David for a few months and eating smarter and I haven't even shed a pound.  Before the meds, I would have lost at least a pound every other week.  It's very disheartening to be overweight and trying to tackle it with little to no success.  So now I have do decide, do I go off the meds and see if that's what was preventing weight loss but lose the benefits of the meds for the reason I'm taking them?  Weight loss and a healthier diet did not help the other problem, hence the meds.  I just feel like I can't win.  I'm always going to have weight problems, I like food to much.  But I was doing so good, and was actually feeling better and now...now, I'm just frustrated with myself, embarrassed, and depressed.

So I'm fat, depressed, and I haven't been writing.  I've tried, but I find I'm just chewing on my pen staring at lined paper wishing I could write more than "all work and no play makes Emily a dull girl."  And, I should confess I haven't even written that.

My happy place, the thing that keeps me going even when I don't want to crawl out of bed int he morning, is my husband.  Even when I'm feeling insecure and really crappy about myself, he is there cheering me on.  No questions, no pushing, no judgment.  He just loves me and gets that I'm going to cry during certain episodes of Doctor Who or Dexter.  I look forward to our weekends together doing things around the house or marathoning something fun on TV.

Something strange has been happening the last few nights, something I feel like I haven't had happen in years and it's happened the last few nights, I wake up and remember my dreams.  They aren't anything noteworthy.  One was riding a whale in a grocery store, and the other was building a tree house and doing the plumbing so my dad wouldn't have to.

I have got to get out of this rut.  I have an amazing husband who needs me to be tuned in for him, we are each others person (Grey's fans will get the reference).  I have sisters, and birthdays and things and I need to be here and engaged for them, because these are all good and positive things I look forward to every year.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #12

Journal Day #12 - Love
Prompt:  Let's talk about love.  Do you believe in the idea of a soul mate?  Do you think there is one person for everyone-and do you think that no matter what, if you're "supposed" to meet that person you will?  This week, talk about your experience with love and discuss what you believe, and also be sure to touch on what helped shape those beliefs.

I do believe in the idea of soul mates.  I am lucky enough to have been found by mine, and even luckier that he married me!  The first time he hugged me there was no doubt he is my one.  David said that was the moment all the cosmic tumblers fell into place.  This part of me that had been missing was found and put where it belonged, I felt at peace and complete.

If I look back I feel like all my choices lead me down the path to meeting David.  With my grades the only college I was able to get into was Western Oregon University.  While at Western I met Fenton, which led me to meeting Cestus.  While being friends with Cestus I was introduced to David.  I talk about some of the journey here.  It was not easy, at the time I had no idea where I was going.  Looking back on all of it, the good and the bad, what I have now shines so bright all that other stuff doesn't matter anymore.  I have my happily ever after.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Currently

So I'm considering this a journal prompt even though it's not one of the Journal Day ones.  I figure it sparked my interest, and I haven't been writing, so I'm going to go for it and see what happens.

Doing:  Taking a lunch break.  I'm currently at work looking forward to the end of the day when I get to start a nice long weekend with my husband.  The rest of the day will be spent drafting a lawsuit and making some telephone calls.  Hopefully it will go by fast!

Thinking about:  The end of the day.  Seriously.  It is Memorial Day weekend so I get a 3-day weekend.  I'm thinking about all the things I could do over the weekend, like working on a blog post or playing some World of Warcraft.  I will actually probably end up watching movies and doing laundry.

Watching:  I watch a lot of TV, although it's sort of winding down now with summer coming.  This weekend I'm looking forward to watching Orphan Black, the mid-season finale of Mad Men, Turn, Game of Thrones, and Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing (now on Netflix!).

Looking forward to:  Saturday.  David and I have a tattoo appointment Saturday afternoon.  He's is adding/coming closing to completing a piece on his arm.  I will be starting something new on my right wrist.  I'm looking forward to the tattoo, just not the healing time.  It's my dominant hand, so that should make for some slimy shirts for a few days while I have the protective goo on.  It will go fast, and it is going to be totally worth it.  I really can't wait!

Reading:  I am currently re-reading the The High Lord by Trudy Canavan.  It's the last book in her Black Magician Trilogy.  I'm hoping to download and start reading the Traitor Spy Trilogy next, her sequel to the Black Magician Trilogy.  There are a bunch of books I have on my to read list that I just need to get my hands on and read, but I've been wanting to re-read some old friends.  I just finished re-reading the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson, and the Codex Alera series by Jim Butcher.

Loving:  My husband, always.  My kitty, who has been more chatty lately.  The wine we've been enjoying: 14 Hands: Merlot (yes, it's a fucking Merlot, but it makes me happy).  Fleetwood Mac, they are my jam today.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #11

Journal Day #11 - Room for Improvement

Prompt:  Sometimes it can be hard to hear criticism from others.  I know for me it's something I may always struggle with-being a people pleaser, etc.  At the same time though, constructive criticism can be very helpful, and allow us to look at ourselves in a new light and maybe even grow and change.  Take a step out of yourself.  If you were on the outside looking in, how would you critique yourself?  What things do you see that could change or work on?  This isn't about tearing ourselves down; it's about really looking at ourselves and seeing where there's room for growth.

I would tell myself I need to be more patient.  Especially at work.  I get in such a big hurry, or I get sucked into a project and I am less patient and helpful with people calling in looking for help.  I get so wrapped up in how busy and overwhelmed I am that I am quick to dump people into voice mail.  I used to talk to people, and let them do their initial emotional dump with me before speaking with an attorney.  I need to tap back into some of that compassion, and be willing to give people a minute or two of my time.  When I first started in this field of work, I was told I was too nice.  Now I think I'm leaning towards the other extreme (not that I've been told I'm too mean-at least not yet).

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #10

Journal Day #10 - What Am I Good At?
Prompt:  Quite simply, what are you good at?  All of us have particular strengths - what are yours?  This week, talk about these talents, big or small.  Ideas: discuss how you use these things in your daily life or job, how you discovered a knack for this or that, perhaps even touch on whether or not you are passionate about the things you're good at.

I had to think about this one for awhile.  What am I good at, what are my strengths?  I think it's hard to look at yourself and see those things, especially in a world where we seem to be focused on the flaws.  I like the way Danielle at Sometimes Sweet shared hers in a list so I'm going to do the same:

• I'm loyal.  If you are my close family or close friend (and not completely off your rocker) I have your back.  Chances are even if you are completely off your rocker I'd still have your back.
• I'm a good listener.  I am not a huge fan of talking about myself, but I am great at listening to other people and (hopefully) offering helpful advice.
• I'm reliable.  I may procrastinate, and have some trouble prioritizing, but if something needs to be done I will get it done.  I'm also never late.
• I'm silly.  I try not to take myself too seriously, and I like to be goofy.

I'd like to believe these strengths make me a good person to have around both personally and professionally.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #9

Journal Day 9 - Beauty
Prompt:  How would you say your upbringing or background has shaped your idea of beauty?  Were you taught to apply makeup or do your hair by your mother or friends?  If not, where did you observe what is now your norm as far as beauty practices?  And although most of us have been inundated by different cultural beauty "norms" via the media, would you say that television and magazines have had a strong impact on shaping what you think of as beautiful?  This week, write about your idea of beauty - how your background has shaped it and what that means for you today.

For me, my mom was (is) my idea of beauty.  She has long flowing hair past her waist that she never cut as long as I've been alive.  She never spent time in the bathroom putting on make up.  She was a wash and go type of woman.  She had a glow of love and contentment about her that no amount of makeup could ever give her.  My mom grew up on a farm, and when she grew up she became a nurse.  For her, trying to get all dolled up was sort of a waste of time.  That's not to say she didn't use make up from time to time, she just didn't spend hours in front of the mirror doing it.  Simple.  My dad loves her just the way she is, and always has.

Growing up, since I never really saw her putting on make up or styling her her it wasn't something I had any interest in until I was introduced to it by the kids I went to school with.  It didn't really become a big deal until middle school when kids were actually starting to experiment with it and wear to school.  Of course I wanted to try it and fit in, but that was a big NO from my parents.  By the time high school rolled around, and my parents relented on the make up front, I had no idea what I was doing.  Most of the other kids had been playing around with it with each other, or with their moms.  Being kind of an outcast I didn't get invited to the playing with hair and make up slumber parties until I was older, and then it was more of a subject of torment than fun (well, fun for them and torment for me).  The girls like to make me up to look ridiculous (something I will be blogging about more at some point), rather than to help instruct me on how to do it.  As a result, I didn't wear much make up.  I was terrible at putting it on, I was self-conscious when I did, and my "friends" picked up on that and only teased me about it worse.  It might have been different if YouTube and the internet tutorials had been a thing when I was growing up.  But that wasn't an option.

As an adult (and sometimes I still have to giggle about that word applying to me now) I can apply some make up with out too much of a clown look.  I tried doing it every day, but I hate spending that much time in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror.  I hate having to make sure I have the time in the morning to "make the magic" happen.  I'd rather be snuggled in bed with my husband, or enjoying a cup of coffee and an episode of Doctor Who with my husband.  I'm lucky to be married to a guy who prefers me with out make up.  We are both the wash and go types, and it is wonderful!

Today there are different ideas of beauty every where you look.  We really are bombarded with it in commercials and even the programs we watch.  Yes some of those size zero girls on the TV program are pretty, but my mom is still my idea of beauty.  I think that beauty lies in anyone that is truly happy and content with who they are whether they are covered in tattoos, or make up, or simple wash and go.  For me, beauty has become more than just visual, it's also a mind set.  I think that realization has helped me come to peace with my own self image.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #8

Journal Day #8 - Religion
Prompt:  Would you consider yourself a religious person?  Quite simply - what do you believe happens when you die?  Have you always believed this?  Do your current beliefs align with what you were taught as a child?  And if not, what was the turning point?  This week, talk about your religion or spiritual beliefs (or perhaps your lack of), and try to sum up, if you can, what you believe happens "next."

I'm not going to lie, I read this prompt and thought "ugh."  Religion is one of those things that I don't like to talk about.  My opinion differs from my family, and religion is just one of those subjects where is is easy to offend.  I wouldn't want to say something that made someone I care about feel bad, so I may be awkward and brief.

Do I consider myself a religious person?  No.

What do I believe happens when I die?  I have no idea.  The idea of heaven and reuniting with loved ones is what I grew up with, but I don't know that I believe that anymore.  The science fiction lover in me would like to believe while we cease to exist in this life, maybe we find ourselves in another life or another plane of existence (I know, crazy talk).  Maybe nothing happens except we just stop being.

Do my current believes align with what I was taught as a child?  No.  Growing up my sisters and I were raised Lutheran and we were very active in the church.

If not, what was the turning point?  I started feeling differently about things when I saw how so many of the people I had trusted abused that trust and justified it with religion.  (I blogged about it here).  It left a bad taste in my mouth and opened my eyes to a side of religious zeal I could not get behind.  Once I saw it, I saw it every where.  And then I saw the judging of others, the people who acted like they were better than everyone, and the people who acted christian but were anything but when they weren't being watched.  I wanted no part of any of that.

It's hard thinking about this and feeling the way I do, if my parents bring it up it causes friction.  They have a hard time understanding where I'm coming from.  My parents still attend the same church, one of my sisters is active in her church family.  Despite my lack of belief, I do appreciate the values I was taught.  And I support my sister wanting that for her kids.  I just don't feel like they need to be forced on people.  I can be thankful for what I have, and the people in my life without out going to church every Sunday.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #7

Journal Day #7 - Social Media
Prompt:  Do you use social media in your daily life?  Do you think it adds to your relationships with others, or takes away from them?  And furthermore, do you think social media adds more positive or negative to your life?  Write about your relationship with social media, and talk a bit about how you got started, and what role it plays in your world.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I love having friends and entertainment right at my fingertips, but I hate how it's almost forced on you if you use the internet.  If you visit a website or a blog you are invited to pin things or follow them/like them on Facebook, sometimes quite persistently.  Even work requires use of social media at times

I was slow to get into social media.  I started with message boards which led to LiveJournal, then MySpace, and Blogger, and then Facebook and Google+.  And then I find myself using Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Reddit, and Pinterest.  And those are just the ones I have used or am using.  There are so many others out there, and then programs to help you manage them all - I have to throw my hands up in the air and walk away before the crazy consumes me.

My first steps into social media were not entirely by choice.  I wasn't avoiding in on purpose, I just didn't have much interest.  But that had to change when I became the webmaster for a fan club; part of that responsibility was maintaining a message board.  It was my social media gateway.  I had friends who were into other fan club boards, which I was lured into.  A few friends were into LiveJournal and I joined them.  LiveJournal was my first blogging experience, I'm pretty sure I still have the link for it somewhere but it's been years since I posted there.  A few friends talked me into MySpace, which I never really understood.  When people started switching to Facebook I held out for a bit but eventually joined to connect with family and those friends I knew from MySpace.  Then other things just sort of fell in with it, like Instagram (because that is the fun way to see what our tattoo artist is up to), and Pinterest.

It was mostly fun but the message board, for example, was a lot of work.  It was my first introduction to trolls and people who would say anything for attention.  Moderation on a message board is something I never want to do again.  As I got familiar with other social media I saw that there were those types people there too.  Another downside is privacy is harder to maintain.  David and I are pretty private people  I think he is more than I am and I try to be respectful of that.  Being online and connected to all the different social media can put you our there a little more than you may want to be.  Fraud and scammers have really ruined some of the fun.

I have to admit I like having friends and family right at my fingertips, just about any time of day.  Part of my day is visiting my Facebook feed to see what people are up to, and what cute animal pictures Daily Squee has shared.  It's nice to sit and mindlessly play Facebook games (yay CastleVille).  Pinterest is also a great place to find and save recipes, cleaning tips, and cute animals to look at on a bad day.  And blogging, that's where I regain some sanity as I work through all the things going through my mind, and work to find my writing voice.  And lastly I have to be thankful for social media because back in the day when AOL was the place to be, I met and made friends with my husband.  For me, I feel social media is a positive in my life as long as I don't get sucked into all pins and games.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #6

Journal Day #6 - Motivation

Prompt:  Everyone has different things that keep them going.  Sometimes it's the people around us, other times it might be what's waiting for us on the other side of hard work.  Whatever it may be, there's usually some sort of motivation to get up every day, get things done, or maybe even go the extra mile.  With that said, what would you say is your biggest motivation in life?  Has it always been this way?

I have always struggled with motivation.  I'm struggling right now!  Motivation must be a mythical beast, like the unicorn, because I'm not convinced it exists.  Okay so that's not entirely true.  It does exist but some day it is really hard to find even the smallest amount of motivation to get anything done.  You know the kind of day I'm talking about, where you hear the couch and Netflix calling to you.  Sometimes I just have to succumb to the lazy but when I can't, I have my husband's help.

My husband, David, is my motivator.  We do everything together from the fun stuff to the yucky stuff.  It's a lot easier to get stuff done when you can do it with someone you enjoy.  It's still easy to feel overwhelmed and under-motivated and we combat that by making sure we set aside time to recharge our batteries and succumb to the lazy.  We plan little weekend getaways so we have that chance, and then we have something to look forward to.  The weekend getaways with David are a huge motivator for me.  It's incentive for me to get things done, so I can really enjoy the time.  It's also nice to just get away from things and have it be just the two of us.  It's those moments that make all the other stuff worth doing/getting done.

Also, coffee.  Because always coffee.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #5

Journal Day #5 - Challenges
Prompt:  We all encounter challenges on a daily basis.  You may consider yours something small, like having enough time in the day to accomplish everything you set out to do, or it may be a bit bigger - perhaps something you have to overcome mentally or emotionally, or even a struggle when dealing with a difficult person.  Whatever the case, take a look at your daily life - what would you say is the biggest challenge you deal with?  Or if you have a past struggle you were able to overcome, how did you do it?  This week, write about a challenge you currently deal with on a day to day basis, or discuss one you managed to get past.

Journal Day #4

Journal Day #4 - Unlimited Resources
Prompt:  If you had unlimited resources, what political or social issue, or area of scientific or medical exploration would you fund?  Do you have a cause that is near and dear to your hear that you'd put your time, energy, and money into if you had the means?  Tell us about it, along with a bit of background explaining where you're coming from.

Journal Day #3

Journal Day #3 - Hindsight
Prompt:  They say hindsight is 20/20, and with good reason-looking back at something always give us a better view.  We're often able to really see how our choices and decisions then shaped our today, and examine what we would have done differently given the chance.  When looking back though, we often look way back, but for this exercise stay a little closer to present time and look back just 12 months.  If you could go back just one year, what would you tell yourself?  What advice would you offer about everything you've experienced?

I would tell myself to keep dancing to my own drum.  I try to live my life with no regrets.  When I have to make a decision I try to take the people around me (husband, family, co-workers) into consideration.  How will the choice I make impact them, and me?  Will I be able to live with my choice?  So maybe I end up playing it safe.  I've never been a big risk taker, and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy with my life and where I am today.

I would encourage myself to keep doing those things that are good for me; keep walking with my husband, keep eating better, don't let family contact fade away, and keep writing.  I'd remind myself family is import and, and taking care of myself is too.  No regrets.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #2

Journal Day #2 - Meaningful Song
Prompt:  We all have songs that really mean something to us.  Often just hearing it can take us right back to that place and we are able to re-experience the memory associated with the song.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but either way music has the ability to really draw things out and evoke deep emotion.  Choose a song that has a particular meaning to you.  Tell the story of the memory associated with the song, sharing as much detail as you can.  Take us there; let us experience it with you.

It's really more of a whole album, Depeche Mode - Violator, but if I had to pick one song from that album it would probably be World In My Eyes.  It makes me think back to the summer between middle school and high school, and hanging out with my friend Josie.  I had always felt like an outcast in school but hanging out with Josie was different, I finally felt like I fit in.  Josie didn't go to school with me, she was home-schooled.  We met when our parents had become friends.  She was so outgoing and friendly, I adored her instantly.

I practically lived at her house (it seemed like) that summer.  I have fond memories of lounging about her comfortable living room listening to the Violator cassette (CD's were just becoming available) over and over while it gently rained outside.  We would sit around and write bad poetry and talk about boys.  I can still see the brown furniture with the knitted afghans thrown over them and the wood coffee table we would usually cover with teen girl magazines and junk food.  We wouldn't turn any lights on, there was natural light coming in from the windows and when that faded there were candles everywhere and a couple laval lamps.  I was happy there.  I have fond memories of those days with Josie and any time I listen to that album today I can close my eyes and be back in her living room.

Thank you for the prompt Sometimes Sweet!

Journal Day #1

So I stumbled across this journal day idea and found this blog - Sometimes Sweet.  She posts a prompt every Sunday, posts her story response to the prompt on Thursday, and encourages her readers to share their journal day entry with her on her blog.  It seems so calm and friendly and like a really low-key way of starting to branch out and share with other people.  So in following with my writing goals I'm going to try it.  I'm a few weeks behind so there may be a handful of posts coming but once I'm caught up it will be once a week.  Hey, I need all the help I can get getting my creative juices flowing.  Here goes!