Last night I had an awful dream. In my dream something had happened to David, and I was suddenly forced to go on without him. You know the type of dream, and how icky it feels and how sometimes you just can’t wake up and stop it. It made me think about some things.
I can remember growing up and having those dreams except instead of losing David (as we did not know of each others awesomeness yet) it would be losing a parent(s) or sibling(s) or the family pet(s). Occasionally I still dream I lose a family member, and they are no less devastating. I’m older now, and I have a support system all my own now. Things are so different when you are a child and still dependent on your parents for everything.
It makes me realize how completely intertwined my life is with his. How just about everything I do every day he is a part of. He is my coffee slurping partner every morning. He is the moisturizer of my tattoo. He is the person I have to email the really silly crap that happens that I know only he will find silly, and I email him almost daily. We talk every day at lunch, even if briefly and no matter what mood we are in. He is the one I text every day just before I leave to let him know I’m on my way and to see if there is anything I need to get for our evening. He is my zombie apocalypse partner. He is my opener of wine. He is the person I seek comfort from after a really bad day, his hugs can cure just about anything. Can I live without him? Sure. But life is so much better with him.
Loss is the risk part of letting other people into your life, I understand that. It’s the trade off for getting to share even the smallest amount of time with someone amazing. My. Heart. Hurts. at the thought of not hearing my husband call me “lady.” The life we share now is so worth the broken heart. My life has been so much more full, and wonderful with him in it. He has helped me become a stronger person and I know that I will be okay no matter what happens. That is one of his ongoing gifts to me. I can only hope I have done something similar for him.
Losing people you love just flat out sucks. No doubt about it. No way to change it. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about family no longer with us and feel sad. Some days I can talk about it or share a memory with out crying, some days I have to bawl my eyes out. But at the end of the day, and the thing I guess I’m trying to say with this post (other than I love my husband) is that the good memories and the good things you experience from loving those people and letting them be a part of your life is worth the heartache of eventually having to say goodbye. If your lucky, someone feels the same way about you. Cherish those people who make you feel as loved as you do them. We’ll all pull through okay.
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