Anxiety

My brain, on the inside, is a complex labyrinth of insanity.  You wouldn't always know it just talking to me, you have to get through some of those protective walls before you see the crazy those walls are protecting you from.  Sometimes, as I'm lying awake at nights I'm decorating my labyrinth with owls and other knick-knacks and fretting about things I have no idea why I'm even fretting about them.  And then I started fretting about fretting about un-fret worthy things.  It wasn't until yesterday, while instant messaging with a friend, that it kind of dawned on me that I may be suffering from anxiety.  This is pretty much how it all unfolded: 

(edited for relevance, to protect the innocent, and because I am apparently the worst speller on the planet.)

(Also, I'm changing my friends name and for fun I'm going to call her Loki.  Just roll with it.)

Me:  I slept like crap last night and I am actually wondering if perhaps I have some anxiety issues...but then I think that's lame and I don't really think that's my problem, but then I wonder when I can't fall asleep because I'm anxious about things like where I'm going to park my car.  Seriously.  WTF is wrong with me?

Loki:  That actually does sound like anxiety, and there is NOTHING lame about that.

Me:  I seriously get anxious about really lame things.  Like parking my car, or driving my husband anywhere and how I'm going to get us there.  It's worse if I'm not confident about where we are going.  I'm clearly mental.

Loki:  Well, yeah.  Obviously.  But it doesn't have to be a major thing to be anxious about for it to be anxiety.  I think it's the little every day things that make it an anxiety issue.

Me:  It makes me anxious just thinking about it. My mom always called me a "worry wart."  I really hate that term.

Loki:  No, that is a shitty term.  But so is anxious I suppose.

Me:  Great.  I'm like of of those nasty little "toy" dogs (that I hate) that pee/crap on everything because they are flighty, nervous (anxious) little things.  Or high strung.  OMG I'm a fucking poodle. Worse, I'm a toy poodle that pees in the stupid dog purse I'm carried around in!

Loki:  No.  NO YOU ARE NOT.  You are more relaxed about things than you realize.  You don't stress about everything, just certain things.  If we are doing the dog comparison thing, I'd liken it to a perfectly well adjusted dog with a bit of separation anxiety.

Me:  I internalize.  A lot.  Arf.

Loki:  Okay, you might chew on shoes sometimes, but you don't cower and pee.

Me:  ROFL

Loki:  I think internalizing is part of it, hold on...

Me:  You left me, I'm alone and anxious...

Me:  Hello?

Me:  Arf?

Me:  I think I need to pee... (J/K)

Loki:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder/DS00502/DSECTION=symptoms  I'm not diagnosing you, I'm giving you information.  I think if you feel it is actually interfering with your life... you should see what your options are.

Loki:  And good grief.  Do I need to start putting down newspapers when I walk away? J/K

Me:  Ha ha!  Okay, reading now...

So I go and look at the symptoms, and the causes and the medications and the risks... and thought that perhaps it is plausible that I have a bit of an anxiety problem.  Having said that, not enough that I want to go be on medications or talk to a head shrinker.  On every page it did some to indicate a high potential to become dependent on medications or alcohol.  

Me:  Great, I could become an alcoholic... I'm going to be anxious about that tonight while I'm drinking my wine.

Loki:  OMFG  Laughing so hard right now, even though it isn't really funny.

Me:  My drinking comment?

Loki:  Yes.  Sorry.

Me:  I was trying to be funny  I make inappropriate things funny because I have the same problem and feel better if I'm not the only one laughing.  It defuses the situation and makes things less awkward.  

Loki:  It's a good thing we are friends!

I have awesome chats with people like that all the time.  That's just how my friends and I roll.  But in all seriousness, anxiety isn't really a laughing matter.  It keeps some people from ever leaving their house.  For me, if I am really suffering any kind of anxiety issue, it just seems to make my tummy full of freaked out butterflies and stress about how things are going to work out.  Stress can exacerbate (that means to make things worse (may all my Shaun of the Dead fan friends giggle)) things and maybe that has been part of my issue as of late.  Things usually mellow after the holidays, so maybe that will be a better time to gauge things.  You know me, I'll probably just ignore it (and fret about it) regardless.